THE IDES OF MARCH

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today marks one year since i lost my job.
ugh, i don’t like typing that sentence..
it brings a bad taste to my mouth, fills me with a strange sense of shame and frustration. i debated whether or not i should even bring this up, shouldn’t i keep this a secret longer? i am finally out of the space of needing to explain to people “what exactly happened”

although the ides of march got me good last year, this year i am feeling quite opposite.

what happened was i was let go, but i was given an unbelievable opportunity to do ME. in a real, honest, raw, hungry, wild, way. and guess what guys, i am really proud of myself. proud of who i am today.

it’s still not easy, freelancing, the stakes are higher, but it’s positive – i’m in control (kind of. sometimes i still lose control.) i am accepting projects i have passion for, and being recognized while at it. i have time to enjoy my day, pull all nighters, visit friends on tuesday afternoons.

i found out a lot of people close to me have gone through the loss of a job as well. for us all, it is truly traumatizing. many conversations were had on “recovering” from that blow, and it seems like no one has the true answers. the worst was filing for unemployment as a “creative” — you should have seen the jobs they were insisting i applied to.. no no no.

these memories still breed a certain sense of insecurity in me, but i know it was and is a blessing — i am leaps and bounds ahead of where i would be if they had it in their “budget” to keep me employed, now i budget myself, and i’m fair.

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joe has been the best friend to me during this time. he never once made me feel bad about myself, he lifted me higher then i could imagine, and pushed me to go for my dreams. he went with me! to fulfill my dreams! he supported me financially and emotionally and i am forever grateful. the day it all happened i called him right away, he was at the studio within 25 minutes, brought me home, we went on a walk, grabbed a beer, and i cried, then he made me laugh, repeat, repeat. at the bar, waiting for joe to get drinks, a man was outside the window, crying. he was on the phone and it was so so sad to see him cry. i was crying too.

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anyway, today, on the ides of march — i had an early meeting, walked to grand army, loaded up on food for the week, re-joined the YMCA, had a nice work out, came home, read for a bit, joe made some salad, then i finished up some work. it’s 11:52 now, i’m done for the day. so before this day is up, lemme go join my boo on the couch and watch some SNL.

peace & love,
ashfaye

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