write like no one is reading

I’m sitting down to write but I really just sometimes don’t feel comfortable writing anymore. I spent 2013 trying the method of self therapy where you write everything down, to release it. To deal with it, to do whatever with. I was really good at keeping up with it and now I have all those fucked up feelings, archived, to deal with. Proof of sadness proof of happiness. I have been journaling since I knew how to write and it has actually probably made me even more wacked out. But would I be better if I repressed things and didn’t talk about them (not even to myself, through writing) or would I be better off to move on and let things roll off my back easier. Who knows! All I know is that when I am feeling manic or panicked or whatever else crazy ass feelings ride through me all day everyday, I write in my head, and then I sit down and write on paper, but these past 6 months I haven’t been writing. I’ve been writing cards, and letters, and LISTS .. lots of lists of things to do things to see people to contact .. etc. I’ll also add I have been working harder then ever at several jobs that involve a lot of creative writing (but not for myself) which might have kept me from writing to deal with myself … just realized that.. through.. what do you know … writing! or typing, but I guess we can officially just morph the two together.

Growing up (I’ll never stop)(growing up) – I went through countless circumstances where my writing left me feeling not-good. Whether it was grades in school or my brother reading my diary or kids writing me mean (mean mean) notes, my online journals getting in the wrong hands, shitty ex boyfriends being shitty and logging into myspace or reading my phone when I was asleep. Words have gotten me in a lot of emotional trouble, they’ve made me emotionally troubled.

On the other hand there are experiences in human connection with the written word that have opened me up like whoa. Like whoa whoa whoa and I love love love it. Like love notes to your beloved, a random post card from a friend, cards for nothing, cards for everything, journals that stay yours, to-do lists, paid writing gigs, and lets not forget, the gibbah girls. Most of the time I don’t even know what I am talking about when I begin and thats the best part. It’s like dancing by yourself. Like whatever that saying is about dance like no one is watching, you have to keep writing like no one is reading. Because people will find their way into your heart and twist your words and use them against you and you will be misunderstood and you might feel ashamed and angry, become shut off and stupid.

Don’t become stupid though, is what I am trying to say. To you AND to me. I am trying to say to keep writing even if it makes you feel vulnerable and even if it makes everything feel like it’s all the more real because writing is like speaking but better! … because you don’t have to talk (I don’t really love talking to people, unless you get me talking and then I might not shut up, does that make sense?)

Write letters, write notes, keep an address book, keep a journal, start a blog, write on your sneakers, write on bathroom walls, write lists, write to people you might never talk to again, write to people you are yet to meet. Write for the people you care about and love and most importantly write for yourself. Listen, even if you write to someone else you are writing for yourself, seriously. Cuz sometimes I spend an afternoon writing to other people and sometimes thats just the best damn way to spend an afternoon. Go buy stamps, they are always changing designs, drop a stack of shit in the mail, mail yourself something too, whatever. It just makes a difference. I promise.

I can truly say that because I just sat down here to write something … I didn’t know what it would be. Beforehand I took one of those showers, like a really good long hot shower, where I had a fresh razor and a fresh washcloth and I even scrubbed my feet and used shaving cream … and I got out and I took my damn kelp supplement (does it help me? I think so) and I poured myself a glass of kombucha (instead of coffee instead of wine) and I wanted to write something because my mind has been RACING I’ve been so stressed in such a major way that I don’t even know where I am or what I am doing half of the time, but I am getting shit done it’s just so much shit and sometimes things all happen at once and it’s so hard to deal with but you have to roll with the punches.. right? So anyway I bought these black sea bass fillets and carrots and radishes and sweet potatoes and two crates of strawberries (they are in season, go get some) and I wanted to make Joe dinner but I couldn’t focus so I sat down to write and I wrote and that’s that and I am feeling better. It’s like what someone who loves to run or do yoga or surf must feel like after they do their thing. It has my brain waves going and I am off to make a yummy dinner and to enjoy my Thursday evening because I’ve always liked Thursdays.

Write On! (like Right On! .. get it .. haha.. anyway)

Ashley Faye

PS none of this shit applies to Facebook or text messaging both of which I think are a WASTELAND for writing unless it’s absolute fluff.

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